Confession

In a little over a year, I will be taking [insert state here] bar exam. Which, is really just going to be... so awful. Like there is literally nothing pleasant about this time next year, and roughly the two months preceding it.

Which means that in a little more than a little over a year, I will, in theory anyway, have a real live legal job lined up, and will become a practicing attorney.

I find this fact pants-crappingly terrifying.

This is my confession. Incidentally, I just got off of Skype with an old high school friend of mine who is now in Mississippi of all places, and a large chunk of our conversation was a kind of collective disbelief that we are, in fact, adults. There are legitimate kids now, younger than us, and we are not them. We are old and, in my case, in a year will be fully independent, theoretically competent adults. Or at least we will expected to be. This is expected of me, who has only ever known childhood, adolescence, and youth.

I don't think I am dumb, and I know that I can probably handle it. It's more of a shock that it is actually happening. Growing up, that thing we call "adulthood" seemed so far off into the future, this kind of shadow thing that, even though you heard about it, and knew that conceptually, in the abstract, one day you would reach it, you never *actually* thought it was going to happen to you.

And then it does. Even in my "young adult" days, which was college until about now, I could put on the aires of responsibility, and had more freedom, but in the end, I could always play the "student" card. I was (and am, for a few more months, anyway) relatively insulated. You don't think about the time passing, at least I don't. And it passes quickly. And it happens so fast, it creeps up on you, you don't see it coming, so when it finally does happen, you wonder if you are really ready for it. You want "another five minutes" to get ready. But it has already happened, and the question is whether you can handle it.

Adults always seemed so... old, and together, and I always thought by the time I was an adult, I would have it all together, that the pieces would all be in place, and that I would know what to do. My parents, and any adults I knew, always seemed like that to me when I was a kid. And now I am starting to realize they were probably winging it as much as I am. And as anyone does. That realization, I think, is the real source of fear or dread or whatever. The knowledge that at some level, we are all throwing shit against the wall to see what sticks. But we are still to make something of that shit-flinging, and "not fuck up."

In the end, most people figure it out. I will too, I am sure. It's just so... sudden. To quote The Grateful Dead (or Jimmy Buffett, depending on what recording you are listening to), "woh oh/what I want to know/where does the time go?"

Life

Me

And because I referenced it in the blog, and it is relevant, and I like the song:

Uncle John's Band by The Grateful Dead. Alpine Valley Concert 1989

A Very Long Hiatus... also, Arizona

So, I realize it has been a long, long time since I posted. Like several months. Such is the life of the law student (yes, I am still here and still trekking through). I think that this blog is something I will have to do when I am on vacation and working during the summer (i.e. when I don't have a million things to do at 5pm when I get home from school). In theory, once I have a regular job and am a full-blown "real person" (oh happy day when that happens. seriously.), I can blog more regularly after work, like I did when I was in New York.

So here is the Sparknotes version of my life in the last 5 or 6 months:

Went through OCI. Got two callbacks, no job offers. Spent the next several months looks for a summer job. Lots of straight-up rejections, lot of interviews and then no offers. Went through a mini-crisis in January re: being a lawyer again (not as bad as last year) because I wasn't finding a job and started freaking out that I had made a terrible mistake and would never be employable.

Found a job -- and a good job -- at DOJ in Washington, D.C. for the summer. WIll be unpaid, but what it lacks in funding I hope it will make up for in putting fancy things on my CV. And no, I cannot blog about my work this summer. As with last summer, the information is confidential.

Finished my comment for law journal. Almost didn't. Due to confidence crisis (see above), I starting doubting my ability to do it, or whether it was even worth it. Plus, all the time I thought I would have during the fall was taken up with trying to find aforementioned job. Was late with the first draft (real late), but ended up sticking with it and got it turned in. Am glad I did. Don't think it will get published due to the lateness issue, but c'est la vie. In a weird way, though, I think blowing that first deadline epically was good for me. I tend to be a rather type-A, uptight person, particularly about things like time and deadlines. I think growing up, I put a lot of pressure on myself in those respects, more than someone my age should have. To quote Ferris Bueller's Day Off, if you had stuck a lump of coal up my ass, in two weeks you would have had a diamond. Not that riding the ragged edge of irresponsibility like I did is really something I want to (or plan to) do again, but I think letting myself fail and blow something important off -- and seeing that the world didn't end when I did -- was good for my mental health. But, as they say, once is enough.

Didn't go home for Christmas. Parents came to Chicago instead. Then went to Michigan to visit my dad's family for the actual holiday. For a variety of reasons I won't get into. It was fun, because I had never experienced the Christmas season in Chicago before. But it was a little weird. I have never not been in California for Christmas, and it means that when I go to my parents' house for Spring Break tomorrow, it will have been like 8 or 9 months since I was last there. I guess it is just another sign that I am "growed up" and making an adult life for myself. I was even discussing with my mother when and how I should start thinking about packing up my room in California. Weird.

That's pretty much it. I still don't know where I am going to be after I graduate, and since I didn't land an OCI job, I doubt I will for a while.

But, I am not going to worry about that now. Right now, I am sitting on a deck in a hotel room in Scottsdale, AZ., where I rendez-vous'd with my parents before we head back home. Do you have any idea what it is like to go from a place that is like 30 degrees, grey, with freezing rain, to a place that is 80 degrees at night and clear skies, in a few hours? I am like dying over here. On the other hand, sitting by the pool reading was nice, and something I haven't done for about a million years. And I forgot that weather in March can *not* suck. So there's that.

In parting, I am leaving the following youtube clip. I feel like it goes with some of the sentiment in this post. And, it's an awesome song. I will continue to post a few times in the next two weeks, and then it will probably be radio silence again until my job starts in May. So without further ado:

Suck it, Chicago

There and Back Again: New York

Right now, as I am typing this, I am about 32,000 feet in the air. Specifically, on an American Airlines flight back to Chicago from New York. In less than a week, I will be on another American Airlines flight to New York; a day after that, I will be on a flight back to Chicago. The cause? Callback interviews.

I had a callback interview with a prominent New York firm earlier today. For those of you who do not speak law student, a "callback" interview is the second round of interviews for a summer firm job. Again, shades of sorority rush: after the first "round" of OCI interviews at the school, we minions will get invited (or not) by firms to interview again, this time in the specific office for which we applied, which for me was the New York office. All expenses paid, too. This, of course, is only if they liked you the first time around. Interestingly, the two (and so far only) callbacks I got were with the last two firms I interviewed with. So I guess, like a fine wine, I get better with time?

So, yesterday after my morning class, I headed over to the hell-place (also known as O'Hare International Airport), and got on a flight out to New York. Which was delayed. But since O'Hare is a vortex where timeliness goes to die, this was not unexpected. The flight was otherwise uneventful. Which is the best kind of flight, really. The one good thing about the lateness, though, was that I got to see a really cool sunset over the Manhattan skyline as we were landing. That was pretty sweet. I dunno-- just flying over New York and landing at the airport, seeing from the window all these things I had come to know this summer, I got really, really excited to be back. It was a very similar feeling to the one you get when you go home to see family after a long absence. So I think that says something about what I want, where I want to be. Also, thank god things in New York are open late. I was still able to get a real dinner. A city that never sleeps: My kind of town.

Also proving that my life actually is Groundhog Day, once in New York I found myself again in Times Square (seriously, why do I always end up in Times Square?), where the hotel was located (for a nostalgia connection, it was a hotel right across from the theatre where by boyfriend and I saw Porgy and Bess one of the times he came out to visit me while I was working in the city this summer). This was actually a logical placement, as the firm was located just off of Times Square, at 51st and 7th-- within walking distance.

The hotel was very nice-- très modern, suitably trendy. I wish I could say I got a decent night's sleep, but there was this really low like throbbing vibrating noise-- from whence it came I do not know-- that I could both hear AND feel in my bed. So that was weird. And prevented me from sleeping for a long while.

The actual interview was just OK. It got off to a kind of rocky start: I got to the building right on time, but then went to the wrong floor (the firm apparently takes up several floors, and when I saw this one guy get off at a lower floor with the firm signage, I assumed that was the floor. I was wrong, and ended up putzing on the wrong floor for several minutes, confusedly, until I was able to find someone to direct me upstairs. Needless to say, this made me a few minutes late to the interview, which is never a good way to start things out, and I felt like a putz. I wish there was a way to signal to people that my dingy-ness is really just confined to things like directions and mundane everyday life details, but doesn't translate into my work. When I am not in a focused "work" situation, I think I live in my head a lot, thinking about what I need to do, considering my work and obligations as I go about the day, and thus miss the everyday random life details. Like what floor to go to. Legally blonde, indeed.

Callback interviews are kind of like OCI interviews with a firm, on steroids. Instead of interviewing with one or two people at once, one time, you go through a succession of people-- in my case, four-- one at a time. The lawyers you meet with run the gamut from 2nd or 3rd year associates, all the way to partners. If you don't know what this means, don't worry, it is not really important. Seeing as how it seems unprofessional to go into details about the individual interviews on a blog (even an anonymous blog), all I will say is that I thought a couple of the interviews went well, a couple were a little more lukewarm. So we shall see how it all pans out. I am not really holding my breath, due to the wrong-floor snafu, but you never know. It's too bad too-- everyone I spoke with sung nothing but praises about the firm's work environment, like the fact that everyone cooperates with everyone and gets on with everyone, and are generally on friendly terms, not just professional terms. As one interviewer put it, there isn't really any "yelling." The cooperative and congenial atmosphere at Northwestern is something that I have really valued and benefited from as a student, and would love to work at a place that is similar. Alas.

After the interview, I went to a Starbucks and sat there for a couple hours doing work and taking a phone call for another project I am working on. After that, I had a couple hours to kill, so I putz'd around Hell's Kitchen for a while, checking out some of the indie shops. It wasn't a neighborhood I spent a lot of time in while I was in New York this summer, so it was nice to get to see a couple new things.

And now here I am, heading back to Chicago. We are in theory landing in like 40 minutes. Due to the nature of where I am seated and the internet on-board, I can't post pictures, but I did take some while I was walking around the city. When I get back to Chicago I will edit this post and add them. I have to say though, getting wifi on a plane is pretty baller. Even if I had to pay $10 for it.

Ah, New York City. Love to see you, hate to watch you go. Until next time... in about four days.

On a completely unrelated note, looking out my window to the left, I am seeing lightening over the horizon. This is not disconcerting at all...

When You Know There is a Void in Your Life that Can't Yet be Filled

I stumbled upon Lexi again today. Pretty much ever day after work, unless I am meeting up with someone, or stayed too late at work, I go straight from work to Washington Square, where I enjoy the cuisine provided to me courtesy of NYU and my meal plan. From there, unless the weather is crappy (rain), I walk the mile or so back to the dorm I am in. Streets in NYC run pretty much on a grid, North-South, and East-West. So, I know several different streets I can walk down will eventually get to my cross-street. I usually walk down this very nice street that gives me a scenic jaunt through SoHo, but even that gets boring when you do it every day. So a few weeks ago, I decided to mix it up a bit, and walk down a different street. On that afternoon, I ended up passing an adoption fair for doggies that was being held in front of a PetsMart. There was this very sweet dog in one of the pens, a little over a year old. Name was Lexi, and was black mix between a lab and a dachshund. Pretty much the most adorable thing, ever. And so sweet. I carefully reached my finger out in a knuckle (which is the correct way to approach a strange dog, btw), and she just started licking it gingerly. Poor thing was rescued from a shelter that was going to put her down because she had heartworm. But, this group rescued her and, through donations, have funded her medical care (this I learned through the volunteer at the time).

Well, today I walked down that same street again, and again ran into the adoption fair (I guess it is semi-regular; I have gone down that street at other times, but it hasn't always been there). And Lexi was again there, and again happily licked my finger when I stuck out my knuckle. I am happy to report (via the volunteer on duty) that Lexi's treatment has finished, and she is cured of the heartworm. Such a sweet dog. Apparently, someone is interested in her, so hopefully in the next day or so she will go to a good home. Which is the best possible outcome.

I am not going to lie, though, that my heart broke (and is still breaking) a little that I can't be the one to give her-- or any of the other absolutely sweet dogs that were out there-- a good home. I just think it is profoundly sad how many otherwise fine, gentle, sweet and perfectly loving dogs are in shelters or rescue groups-- or worse, are put down, because there is no home for them, through no fault of their own. Unfortunately, my boyfriend and I just signed a lease (more on that later) for an apartment that doesn't allow dogs (they do allow cats, but cats make my boyfriend stop breathing. Apparently, the dog-ban is relatively recent, too, like within the last 18 months, or so reviews of the building-- which were mostly positive-- seem to indicate). It would be hard because I travel around a lot because of school breaks and things, but I know that if I could find the right place, I could give a dog a good home. Even if it is a little small, an apartment's got to be better than a shelter. And I am such a better person when I am around dogs, and animals in general. Although I would say I am nice and loyal and friendly to those I like and are my friends, in general I am kind of a distant and intolerant person towards those I don't know. I think I do this as some kind of defense mechanism; in reality, I think I am naturally inclined to be sensitive and overly-empathetic. If I let all the crap that goes on in the world affect me, it would destroy me. So, I build walls. I'd just rather not deal with it. Apparently, when I was an infant, my pediatrician said that I was a "very good-natured" baby. Sadly I am afraid that did not last long. Or maybe it was that I was naturally good-natured and naive abut the world, willing to give people the benefit of the doubt, and then people, whether through what I witnessed myself, or heard about, in their behavior just kept disappointing me and my faith in them, to the point that I am completely jaded and have lost most faith in most of my fellow man. Whatever it is, I am guarded, somewhat of a grump, and can turn off my natural empathy or sympathy like one switches off a light, if needed.

But all of that goes away the moment I see an animal, particularly "pet" animals like cats, dogs, rabbits, etc. There is just something about them that is soothing and calming. Perhaps because, in their animal nature, they don't judge the way people do, or do the crap that people do. They have faith in their keepers and are willing to trust, which is hard to find anymore among my homo sapien brethren. And all the emotion I wall myself off from in the day-to-day, finds its way back again. I feel again, I become calmer and less stressed, and happier. I become more human around animals than I do around other people. So, I become a better person. I feel like I could only be helped by having an animal, a doggie. Perhaps it would help me become human again around my fellow people, and not just around the people I have deemed my friends, etc. And I could give a good home.

Unfortunately, it does not look like it is to be. Am not going to lie, was super sad about it, and even teared a bit on the way home (my inability to keep it together probably not helped by the fact that it was 8:00PM on a Friday after long day and week of work). But this is exactly what I mean: I become a much more feeling person.

Below is a picture of Lexi. The organization with which she is housed (hopefully not for much longer) is called Little Monsters, and it is based out of NYC. New Yorkers, if you are looking for a pet, please consider adopting. Their website is: www.lilmonsters.org. And if not from them, then from another rescuer organization. And just in general, if you would like a pet, please consider giving a good home to a rescue. They need us and, honestly, from what I can see of the world, we need them. And if you do have a pet, please have them fixed. It is just so sad the number of living animals that lose out on a chance to live because of irresponsible owners.

Lexi. Not a very good picture because she is all black, and it was dark and overcast today (and also after 8:00PM)

And yes, in other news, my boyfriend and I found an apartment for this fall/next year. It is located about 10 minutes north (by car) from the downtown area in Chicago. It is located literally next to a grocery store, and the 147 express bus to downtown. And, if Lake Shore Drive is screwed up, it is located three or four blocks from the Red Line. So my commute will be pretty easy and direct. And it is a much nicer, bigger place in a very nice pre-war hi-rise, for a lot less money (particularly since we will be splitting the rent). It's basically perfect, except for the fact that they don't allow dogs. We move in around the 20th of August. I imagine pictures will be up when I finally move everything in and decorate the place. If only they allowed dogs...

To somewhat remedy the situation of lack-of-animals in my life, I just signed up to be a volunteer at PAWS Chicago, a local rescue group, to help socialize and take care of the dogs during adoption fairs. I have to do community service for Northwestern Law anyway, and even if I didn't, I would still sign up for this. I think a lot of my freak-out about law school and life, was due to that fact that I spent all of last year doing school and nothing but school. I socialized casually and went out with people, sure. But all my structured activities were either: class, studying, or duties relating to organizations that I am part of at school. I think it will be healthy (mentally if not physically) to get away from all that in a structured way a few hours a week. Doing something else completely not related to that part of my life. Having worked at my job this summer, I like the work and find actually *practicing* law interesting. I am just not to thrilled with the school part (and not because of anything Northwestern does or doesn't do. All things considered, I think they are a school that tries to make law school suck as little as possible. I am just over school as a general concept. But you knew that, and why, already from other posts). So I think it will help to find something to take me away from it every week for a while.

So, that's my post today. As of yet have no plans for the weekend.

Razzle Dazzle 'Em

I have new respect for people who work full time jobs, and still are the primary caretaker of the home front. Particularly singles. I usually get done with work around 5:30 or 6:00pm, and proceed to get dinner. Which means I am usually home between 7:30-8:00pm. And yet I still often have things to do, like laundry, or dry cleaning, or apartment hunting, or OCI info gathering, or going to the store. Yes, there are the weekends, but I find those get real busy, real fast. Like today, I finally picked up some repairs I had left at the cleaners... almost two weeks after it was ready. Just because I have gotten busy. So I respect that people do this every day, squeezing in the mundane of life in the after-work hours. But, I still like this better than school and homework. As much as I have errands and things to run after work, in the end, I am still free to do whatever, to get those things done as needed, on my schedule, and just have my "me" personal life, without worrying about homework on top of the several hours I have already spent in school. Alas.

This week is a strange week, because the Fourth of July strikes on Wednesday, in the middle of the week. So we have this random day off (not complaining, of course), but it's just kind of awkward, because you can't really make a weekend out of it, can't really justify like a three-day weekend. It's just kind of there, to oddly cut up the the week. So I think going into the week, everyone at work kind of senses this is a weird week, and it doesn't seem to be as much, business as usual. So, this is why I did not feel guilty not really doing work today, instead watching the closing arguments of both the government and the defense in this crazy mafia case that started about 3 weeks ago. I had seen the government's examination of its star witness on the stand, but hadn't seen anything else, as my work comes first, and I had had an intense and busy two weeks. But I really wanted to see the end, especially since I had heard from other interns who had seen more of the trial, that the defense attorney was something else. And oh boy, was he something else. I don't think I can really describe it; instead, the following clip from the movie-musical Chicago does a pretty accurate rendition of today in court:

Richard Gere as criminal defense attorney Billy Flynn in Chicago, copyright Miramax, 2002.

Yeah. That was pretty much it. The defense attorney was certainly charismatic and emphatic, getting up and walking around, walking towards the jury, at times being almost conversational with them. There really is a certain type of art to effective oral argument, at least if you are on the defense side. But, he spent a lot of time distracting from the main crux of the government's case: namely, the facts. He spent a lot of time trying to impeach the credibility of the government's star witness, who admittedly is not a good or very redeemed person, and upon whom the government rested probably 80% of its case. And he spent also a lot of time trying to impeach the whole process taken by the government-- riding the ragged edge of insinuating prosecutorial misconduct, and trying to rile the jury up about the spending ("wasting") of "their tax dollars" on this "sham" and "disgrace" of a case. He did this with a lot of catchy sound bytes (my personal favorite was his claim that the government was going after his client because he did not join "Team America" and roll over on other guys in the Mafia), and with some information or allegations, that may or may not have actually been in the real trial record (I don't know, as I didn't see the whole case, but that was the jist of a lot of the prosecution's rebuttal). What he didn't spend a lot of time doing, was picking apart the actual content of the evidence against his client. Because while there definitely was heavy reliance on the testimony of this one star witness, and a few other cooperators, there also were recorded conversations from "bugged" individuals and places, that were pretty incriminating. Oh, he picked apart the context of the the conversations, he attacked the fact that they were edited, suggesting that the government "strategically cut" parts of the testimony, to make it look like his client talked about something, or people were talking about his client in a certain way, when if fact it was something totally different. But he didn't really get into what was actually said, trying to pick *that* apart and discredit the actual information. He did that in one instance kind of thoroughly, but it wasn't an instance going to the most serious or damning of the charges, and he didn't really do anything more with it. He kind of relied on a lot of tangents and allegations, and conjectures about both his client and the witnesses. On an emotional level, it was very effective. But, I don't know, in my very inexperienced opinion, I think my strategy would be to, as much as possible "go for the throat," and try to dismantle, piece-by-piece, the content of whatever evidence was presented against my client. But that is just me, and I guess you fight with the troops you got, or, in this case, with the case you got, to squeeze someone through the door of reasonable doubt. As the movie said, "how can they [the jury/tier of fact] see with sequins in their eyes?" It will remain to be seen how effectively the attorney's conjectures and emotional appeals go over with the jury.

Either way, it is back to the regular work for me tomorrow. Since I spent all day in court today, I really go to book it.

This weekend was really nice. I headed out of the city again, this time to see some family on my Dad's side (my aunt and my cousin, who is about 2 years younger than me). They are really cool people-- very artsy; in fact, I have linked to my cousin's blog on this blog page, so you should totally check it out. They do really good pottery, as well as paintings and drawings. My cousin also makes cool jewelry and wares like aprons. I even got a piece done by my cousin to take back with me and hang in my apartment in Chicago (wherever that happens to be; after a year of listening to construction, I finally decided my boyfriend and I need to move to a quieter (and cheaper) part of town). And they are generally chill people. They live in Princeton, NJ, so I headed out there on Saturday morning, as it is really only an hour away by train. They took me to lunch in Princeton, so I finally got to see at least the periphery of the famous Ivy League school, if not the actual campus. Princeton is basically your typical college town, although a bit more up-scale, with a lot of quasi-expensive restaurants and like, boutique, bougie stores. We also drove by Princeton Plainsboro Hospital, of House fame. Not going to lie: I was geeking a just a little. I kind of stopped watching the show because, law school. It was also getting kind of soap-opera-ish. But, I am always a fan of Hugh Laurie's snark. Not going to lie: I had a bit of a TV crush on Doctor House during the time when I was a regular watcher of the show.

Then we headed into New Hope, PA, a little town right over the NJ-PA border. As a side note, the concept of being able to go between multiple states in a matter of a few hours, is a concept I have only just recently fully wrapped my head around. As someone who grew up in California, where the nearest state border was about 5.5 hours away by car, the whole small-ness and easy-access of states on the East Coast, was something that really blew my mind. So, three states in one day. Not bad. And New Hope was cool. It was an example of why I love the East Coast: many of the buildings were pretty old and colonial, some probably dating from the mid-1800s or earlier. As a confessed history geek, things like this just fascinate and excite me, and I am also just generally into older-style, Colonial or Victorian architecture. And in California, it being a relatively new state, and relatively new to mass-development, you just don't get it. There isn't all that much that is "old," that is still usable. Sure, there are things dating from around the Gold Rush, but honestly those are usually relegated to re-enactment towns where elementary school kids go on their 4th grade "let's learn about California history" field trips. Other than in San Francisco, you really don't get the same kind of impressive, really objectively historical and old types of buildings, that are still functional.

Anyway, New Hope was fun. It's kind of a hippy town, although it is starting to get a bit more upscale. It had a lot of independent stores selling original art-- not the mass-produced stuff you see in like a Target, but either originals by the store purveyor his or her self, or original works by local artists. Some of the stores even branched out beyond that, and featured international or international-inspired work. One store dealt in handcrafted art from Mexico, another in Celtic/Irish (and, somewhat randomly, Spanish) art, and another in Native American art. There were also the requisite Tye-Dye and Vintage Stores. And, generally speaking, much of the stuff was pretty reasonably priced (also, I love you, anywhere that isn't California-Chicago-NYC. Namely, I love the fact that sales tax was 6%). I even got a cool mirror (for the reasonable price of $40) that has a wrought-iron vine/leaf border around the glass. Assuming I can get it to Chicago in one piece, it will make a very cool addition to my new apartment. And, my aunt and I even got our fortunes read. My cousin had recommended this lady as a palm reader-- I guess she and one of her friends had come in to the town before, and had theirs done, and were impressed. I have to say, I was more impressed by her reading of my aunt's palm than mine, but it was entertaining nonetheless. The last time I had had my palm read (or it might have been Tarot, I honestly don't remember), was when I was like 13, at the Renaissance Faire in Casa de Fruita, CA. So I guess it was time.:0)

I really enjoyed hanging out with my family, particularly since they are people that, being on the opposite coast from me, I never really saw all the much growing up. But now I see at least my cousin more frequently, because she is at the University of Michigan, and I go to Michigan from Chicago fairly frequently. I think I have seen my cousin more times in the last 4 or so years, than in the previous 10-15 years combined. It is nice to be closer to that side of the family, because they weren't as much of a presence in my life as my mom's side, who pretty much all live within a one-hour radius of each other in California. And the distance and lack of regularity in seeing my other family, has always been something I have regretted from my childhood. Nothing could be done, obviously, because people were where they were, but it still was kind of a lack in my family life.

See, I am capable of having normal, not angry or angsty posts. I swear I am more balanced than perhaps the "angry bitch post" suggests. I hope you liked the added bit of "flare" of the video! Anyway, to my loyal readers, until next time.

Soapbox No. 2: The Angry Bitch Post

Disclaimer right now: This post is going to be more angry than pensive, unlike my other more non-narrative posts. So, if blunt-to-the-point-of aggressive thoughts (or the peppering of the "F" word) bothers you, you may wish to skip this one. Warning: it will be entirely un-PC.

I saw an article today that got me fuming for pretty much half the day. Apparently, some court in Germany has decided that male circumcision of infants, is assault, effectively banning the practice, at least legally. Interestingly, this is a law that will primarily affect only religious and ethnic minorities-- namely, Jews and Muslims-- because the court specifically said that it is banned in the case of religious--as opposed to medical (and I guess then, hygienic?)-- reasons.

First: Germany. No one in the official media is sayin' it, but you *know* we are all thinking it...

Secondly, this ruling is crap. The court, in its opinion, said the "fundamental right of the child to lebensraum bodily integrity outweighed the fundamental rights of the parents." This ruling puts into legal precedent something a lot of bleeding-heart types have wanted for a long time: basically, to force religious leaders and doctors (the law in Germany didn't preclude the practice if done by doctors, but this is in fact what a lot of the proponents for this type of ban actually do want) to stop performing the procedure. Namely, to take away people's right to consider the pros and cons, and decide for themselves. In doing so, these do-gooder types have described the practice as "barbaric," and have likened it to female genital mutilation, which is practiced in many, lesser-developed societies. The court said that it takes away the child's right to "choose his religion" later on, because *so* much of your spirituality is dependent on being "intact" (I would like to point out at this juncture that there are many people of all sorts of religions, or none at all, that have it done. So no, I don't think anyone is going to say you can't decide to be Catholic when you are older, because a moyel did a bris on you when you were 8 days old). And, from what I can tell from reading the comments by the peanut gallery that tend to come after such internet articles, most people agreed with this decision, and want to see it "spread" to the rest of the civilized world.

I am going to address (briefly) some of their arguments:

1. It is not just an "old religious tradition" that has no practical meaning. Now, if you know anything about me, you know my thoughts on religion (Sparknotes version: I don't like it). But every so often, it actually gets something right. Shocking, I know. Look, a lot of what got codified as religious dogma back in the day, actually came out of practical realities of the time, dictates that were put down so that people wouldn't get their assess kicked by nature, and thus the society could survive. One of these things was circumcision. Namely, intact people have a higher chance of getting very painful infections, because bacteria and other nasties can get trapped, um, "there," if not thoroughly cleaned. Since it was hard to be thoroughly cleaned back in the day, it was a good preventative measure in terms of not getting what I imagine would be a really nasty condition. Now, proponents of the no-circumcision thing say that this is no longer necessary, as we live in a much more hygienic society, and it is unlikely that it will cause problems, so you are putting someone through trauma for no reason. Which brings me to my next point...

2. Just because it is "less likely" to cause problems, doesn't mean it shouldn't be dealt with. Now, I a not a religious person, but if I ever have sons-- assuming the bleeding hearts haven't rammed through some kind of law banning it by then-- I am going to get them "altered" at the hospital, before we leave. Why? Because the peace of mind that it is one less potentially very problematic health issue they will have to deal with growing up. As humans, we take out and preemptively deal with "unnecessary" body parts all the time, before they become an issue. Exhibit A: wisdom teeth. Wisdom teeth are pretty much universally taken out now when a teen is around 16 years old, before they have erupted. Why? Because when they erupt, at best they cause teeth to overcrowd, and at worst they grow in impacted, leading to a very painful, likely-to-be infected,situation. So we take them out ahead of time, to just avoid the whole nasty situation. It is likewise the same with circumcision. Yes, it is a "natural" part of the male body, but no, males do not need it, and the potential problems it can cause down the line just aren't worth having it around.

3. Now, a lot of proponents of no circumcision would say, "but any surgical or quasi-surgical procedure carries a risk that someone is going to botch it, or that it will be infected, and so it is an unnecessary risk." Yes, that is in fact true. Hopefully, you vet the people performing these things, but shit does, in fact, happen. Same can be said for wisdom teeth. In fact, I think the risk of infection might be higher for wisdom teeth, since I kept hearing horror stories about dry socket before I got mine done. And thus I was paranoid about following doctor's orders, and keeping my mouth clean. But you know what? If the doctor or moyel knows what he is doing, I bet that risk is pretty low, probably lower than the risk of infection if you keep it around (you can clean yourself all you want, but the skin is easily inflamed or infected, particularly if you have bad skin to begin with. I consider myself pretty hygienic; still didn't prevent me from getting a bad cyst infection this year that required (very painful, like a 9/10 on the scale ER doctors keep asking you about) draining and two visits to the ER). And what do you think is more traumatic for someone? An infection in infancy, when you won't remember it, or a very painful infection "down there" that you have to deal with after your brain and neuron connections have fully developed? A minor surgical procedure when you are a week old, or a what will be a more major surgery should you choose to get it done later in life? I had some pretty serious operations in infancy that, while I get to tell some cool/shocking stories about them, I thank my lucky stars that I don't remember jack shit, because I don't know if I could mentally handle "heart failure" and "open heart surgery" thrown at me, now that I am old enough to be aware of what that means, and what getting it worked on could entail (namely, flatlining in the OR). Oh, and: Twice. Twice this happened. I don't need that in my memory.

4. Which again brings me to another point: pain. A lot of people think it is bad because it is painful for the babies. This is the only point on which they have kind of a point. Apparently, when done in religious ceremonies, or even in some hospitals, they don't bother to use anesthesia. That is fucking stupid, I admit. Spring a lil cash, and get some local anesthesia. Problem solved. A lot of the proponents of this ban say that by deferring it, you are letting the guy decide on his bodily integrity later in life, when he has capacity to control his destiny or whatever. You know what is going to be more painful than some un-anesthetized cutting when the infant is too young to remember? Cutting it when it has fully developed, necessitating a more major procedure, and thus a more protracted recovery time. I had some foot surgery done last summer, and I had to take the Vicodin they gave me to the max dosage to get the pain down during recovery. And then my body couldn't handle it, so I vomited. So basically, it fucking sucked. So, what guy is going to want to voluntarily go through this when he is older, even if it is objectively beneficial?

5. People who claim that circumcision-- particularly in a religious context-- is "mutilation," and compare it to the hack job that women in undeveloped societies have to deal with. If you can't tell the difference between a minor quasi-surgical procedure that has objective health benefits and an easy recovery, and a procedure that is meant to take all sexual pleasure away from women by creating constant pain, as a way to keep them virgins until they marry, and then obedient to their husbands (or murder, or honor killings or foot binding, or abortion, which are some of the other comparisons people have been making), then sorry. You are a fucking idiot.

Although, this court in Germany might just get the Nobel Peace Prize for their little stunt. Because they just did the fucking impossible: they succeeded in uniting the Jewish and Muslim populations, in solidarity outrage over this law that makes a major ceremony in their respective religions illegal.

Why do I bring this all up? Because this law is the epitome of why it is becoming increasingly less of a question of "if," and more of a question of "when" I am going to give up on society as a whole, and go somewhere remote to become a crazy cat lady (or dogs, or bunnies, or really any small, fluffy, blood pressure-reducing critter).

Why? Because increasingly, I am seeing that one cannot escape from the tyranny of the "opinion" if one is to live in society. As the saying goes, opinions are like assholes: everyone's got one. Except people aren't happy having their opinions be just that: opinions. Oh no, they have to make everyone agree with their opinions, if not by persuasion then by force. Like this law: because *some* people think that circumcision is not necessary and a bad practice, they now must take away the ability of parents to fully consider the issue, and then make the decision they find is best for their child. Oh no, because *they* think it is bad, it must be bad as they could not *possibly* be wrong, so *they* should get to decide for everyone else. Because, you know, anyone who disagrees is obviously a barbarian, and so we couldn't possibly listen to what they have to say, or consider their side. Or a slut.

And I see this everywhere I go, from official policy to family, religious and culture tradition, to peer pressure. People think they got it all figured out, and that because something works for them, or comports with their morality or world view, everyone else must follow suit. You know why I don't "do" religion? I got into a big fight about this with my mom on my parent's anniversary. I told my mom "I am not a Christian," (which I am not-- I am not anything, even though I grew up Episcopalian/Anglican/whatever). She got all angry because she thought that my declaration was my trying to disavow my heritage, culture, and the way my parents raised me. That is not it at all. I think I take a lot of deference to the values my parents instilled in me-- like honesty, loyalty, hard work, and independence. But I can have those values without being tied down to a religious doctrine. In reality, I don't "do" religion because all I see it as, is more bars on the jailhouse door, so to speak. With everyone else trying to force their way of living or beliefs on you, why would anyone gratuitously add yet another level of restriction and dictation, of "moral imperative," particularly given by people who have no idea about the individual circumstances of others, and are taking their direction from a book or books (depending on your religion) written in a society in no way, shape, or form similar to the way we are living now? That is why I don't do religion, primarily (there is also the issue that I think that the question of whether there is a god/higher power, is not dispositive of the question of whether we should worship it or do what it says. But that is a post for another day.)

Basically, I follow a simple life philosophy, cliched but true: live and let live. As much as possible, I try to not gratuitously be a bitch to people, or get up in their business. I observe things around me, I observe how people behave. And a lot of it I may not approve of, because it violates my sense of what it is to not be a jerk, and therefore wouldn't do myself. But, so long as what these people are doing doesn't directly affect my ability to lead my quiet, relatively uneventful life in peace, I am not enough of an arrogant prick to think that because I think certain things are wrong or stupid, I should force others to comply with the way I behave. Because the only person who knows what is right for a person, is that person. And sometimes people make bad choices, and have to-- or should have to-- deal with the consequences. This is what I believe in regards to others, so I expect the same common courtesy in return. I am not my brother's keeper, and neither is he mine. And that, my friends, is the essence of freedom: the ability to define one's own existence, in peace. To rise and fall as the results of one's own actions. To make choices, and to learn from them. To *live*. To, in the words of our Founding Fathers, pursue happiness, so long as it is not in a destructive way (towards others. And no, "emotional distress" or "being offended" don't count. To use the language of the German court, the right to free speech-- as expression is part of really living-- outweighs any right to not have one's feelings hurt). Existing and living are not the same thing. I don't want to be part of a society that only lets me exist, and not live. This is also incidentally why no, I am not some crazy Anarchist. I think organized government and a legal system is imperative to preserving-- as much as possible-- the right to live and let live. Since rapists, murders, thieves, fundamentally violate this credo. And deserve their just desserts for it.

Sometimes I think maybe things will change, maybe people will see the light and start valuing freedom over their own little pet sensibilities. But no, it seems that increasingly, people are willing to trade their freedom-- and encourage others to take freedoms and choices away-- for whatever reason they agree with. On the right, it is this bullshit moral majority crap (because when one decides to have sex, or whether one exposes his or her hair or their skin, or whether one use contraception, or who one consensually loves and marries, or if one eats dairy with meat, or meat on Fridays, or works on the Sabbath, is so fucking dispositive of whether or not they are a "good" person, and so fucking relevant to the lives of those not involved). On the left, it is this collectivist mindset of "for the good of everyone/the whole/society." Or, you know, environment (also, have you people learned nothing from the 20th century? The path to hell is fucking paved with trying to forcibly promote or establish some person's or people's idea of "for the good of society." Seriously, go open a history book, and educate yourselves). And as much as either side is willing to call out their nemesis's bullshit, they will refuse to look at, analyze, or call out their own, finding a million and one excuses (my favorite, on the left, is the "externalities" argument. Yeah, pretty much everything has externalities. Still doesn't mean you should be able to tell me when and where I can have a fire in my fireplace, IN MY OWN GODDAMN HOUSE) why the other side's efforts to curtail freedom and choice is crap, but *their* pet projects are right and fine and "the right thing to do." And people will clamor to this, and actively promote and accept it, if it goes along with whatever excuse they happen to find persuasive. So the result is, we are constantly being squeezed, from the right, from the left.

One of the objections my boyfriend has when we get into this discussion, which usually turns into a fight (my boyfriend, bless his heart, is the eternal optimist, and also profoundly liberal), is that I have had a comparatively blessed life, so "why am I angry?" he says. For the most part, things have gone my way, and I have been lucky enough to have a lot of freedom, a lot of opportunity, and not much in my way. Aside from that lil snafu at the beginning of my life (which has not been a further problem for 21 years), I've had it good. So perhaps it seems bratty that I am so angry about all of this. But that is exactly my point: it is comparatively good right now, for me more than a lot of others, but for most people as well. It could always be better, but we are no longer indentured servants on feudal estates, having to do what "god and country (being one dude who has everything go his way)" tell us to do. We are living the Enlightenment dream, to be fully autonomous, free-thinking individuals. Or at least we should be. But freedom is a very precarious thing, it is fragile and exceedingly fleeting. Drop the ball once, relax on your laurels of individualism too long, and it can be snatched from under you. And what I am seeing around the globe lately-- retrenchment back into religious dogma, or a heightened drive towards "collectivism" -- threatens the delicate liberty we were all taught to believe in. And the problem is, people don't seem to care. They are too distracted by infighting to notice, and in many instances, are willing participants. For a long time, this country (with the exception maybe of the influence of the church, unfortunately) generally had a hands-off approach to people doing their thing, whether through official policy or otherwise. I feel like we are getting away from this, and this is bad. That is why, even though my existence is privileged, I must-- as should we all-- call out the bullshit when we see it. Because people trying to unduly control others (and I don't even mean in an official way, like with laws, but just in general) is like a cancer-- easier to keep in check when it is small and just beginning, but if it infects the body, it is exceedingly difficult to kill, and either the disease-- or, in some cases, the treatment-- will end up killing the body. But, it seems like no one is really willing to do this, because they agree with some of it, and fail to see the forest for the trees. Which depresses the hell out of me.

I imagine for my fiercely individualist views, I will be called or thought of in many different, unflattering terms: crazy, selfish, cold, mean, bitchy, uncaring, hedonistic, immoral, unbalanced, "a slut." But, if you couldn't tell from my blog, I really stopped giving these labels any sort of power over me, a long time ago. It not my problem what people choose to label or see me as, as long as I am true and honest to myself. Yes, it is important to be mindful of how one is perceived, but not at the expense of what makes you, you. As someone once said (again a cliche, but true): it is better to be hated for who you are, than loved for who you are not. So, I guess if it really gets to an extreme point of people trying to force others into their version of conformity, I probably will leave for a remote destination; like a line from one of my favorite movies says, I will "leave the madness over the mountains." Because I won't compromise myself or my integrity just to "get on" in the world.

Damn. I am starting to sound like Holden-fucking-Caufield. And I didn't even really like that book much.

Readers, if any of you agree with me on any of the above, please do leave comments. It would be nice to know that I am not alone. Or better yet, send your friends the link to this page, to "spread the word." But, somehow I don't think this will really happen, as I think I am in the significant minority over here.

Anyway, thanks for listening/reading. Particularly if any of what I said just attacked what you believed. If you continued reading in spite of that, I have a lot of respect for you. I am just trying to get people to think, to stop reacting and start acting. And sometimes you just have to be blunt. Anyway, it will be back to the regular mood of this blog on the next post.