Confession

In a little over a year, I will be taking [insert state here] bar exam. Which, is really just going to be... so awful. Like there is literally nothing pleasant about this time next year, and roughly the two months preceding it.

Which means that in a little more than a little over a year, I will, in theory anyway, have a real live legal job lined up, and will become a practicing attorney.

I find this fact pants-crappingly terrifying.

This is my confession. Incidentally, I just got off of Skype with an old high school friend of mine who is now in Mississippi of all places, and a large chunk of our conversation was a kind of collective disbelief that we are, in fact, adults. There are legitimate kids now, younger than us, and we are not them. We are old and, in my case, in a year will be fully independent, theoretically competent adults. Or at least we will expected to be. This is expected of me, who has only ever known childhood, adolescence, and youth.

I don't think I am dumb, and I know that I can probably handle it. It's more of a shock that it is actually happening. Growing up, that thing we call "adulthood" seemed so far off into the future, this kind of shadow thing that, even though you heard about it, and knew that conceptually, in the abstract, one day you would reach it, you never *actually* thought it was going to happen to you.

And then it does. Even in my "young adult" days, which was college until about now, I could put on the aires of responsibility, and had more freedom, but in the end, I could always play the "student" card. I was (and am, for a few more months, anyway) relatively insulated. You don't think about the time passing, at least I don't. And it passes quickly. And it happens so fast, it creeps up on you, you don't see it coming, so when it finally does happen, you wonder if you are really ready for it. You want "another five minutes" to get ready. But it has already happened, and the question is whether you can handle it.

Adults always seemed so... old, and together, and I always thought by the time I was an adult, I would have it all together, that the pieces would all be in place, and that I would know what to do. My parents, and any adults I knew, always seemed like that to me when I was a kid. And now I am starting to realize they were probably winging it as much as I am. And as anyone does. That realization, I think, is the real source of fear or dread or whatever. The knowledge that at some level, we are all throwing shit against the wall to see what sticks. But we are still to make something of that shit-flinging, and "not fuck up."

In the end, most people figure it out. I will too, I am sure. It's just so... sudden. To quote The Grateful Dead (or Jimmy Buffett, depending on what recording you are listening to), "woh oh/what I want to know/where does the time go?"

Life

Me

And because I referenced it in the blog, and it is relevant, and I like the song:

Uncle John's Band by The Grateful Dead. Alpine Valley Concert 1989

Epiphany

Last night, instead of going to sleep at a reasonable time, I read my high school's alumni magazine. One thing you need to understand: I did not go to your typical American high school. I went to a small, private, all-girls school. The hijinks that went on there could fill a damn book (and I was hardly even in on a majority of what went down on any given day). It was an experience. And I wouldn't have traded any of it for anything. After a rough first year, it turned out to have been the best time of my life. Yes, including when I consider college.

Anyway, I have a certain fondness for those 4 years. A lot has changed at the school since I graduated 6 years ago (damn, already? I am getting old. Old , I tell you), and not all of it for the better, or so I hear. But those four years -- with a unique cast of characters -- will always hold a special place in my memory. I cannot help but laugh when I think about the past.

So, if you couldn't tell from the above, I have a certain nostalgia for the place and the time I was there. Reading the alumni magazine always kind of gets me -- a little pang or twinge of sadness, because obviously the past can never be re-had or recreated.

But last night, I realized it was something else that made me a little sad. To be blunt, I like the person I was a hell of a lot more than I like the current version of my self. Or to put it another way, I would be embarrassed to have people who knew me in high school, see me now. A few select individuals in particular.

For one, I have gained weight. More than I would have liked. College and law school have pretty much seen to that. Whenever I get busy and stressed, have a lot to do, my own physical and mental health are the first to be sacrificed. I literally haven't seen the inside of a gym in two years. I didn't do much gym-ing in high school, but I did play soccer, and generally stayed fairly active. So there's that. I don't look as good as I did then. I look older, and not in a good way. But I guess this is a common gripe for people, particularly around reunion times.

On a deeper level, I don't think I am as likable as a person. I am way more aggressive and frankly bitchy than I was in high school. I definitely had my moments of bitchiness in high school, but I wasn't as prone to rants and aggressive, bombastic statements and behavior as I am now. Plus, I think I am just in general more grouchy. I don't know if I can consider myself "nice." I was "nice" in high school. I don't know exactly why this change happened -- it happened midway through college. But, I realized last night that I would be embarrassed for the people who knew me then, to know the "now" me. I wish I could be more like 17 or 18-year-old Kristin.

I don't know whether to accept this new me or try to revert back to what I was like in high school. I don't know if I really could. But I do know that I have lost something in the 6 years since I graduated. I am back in California now; I could reach out to people to hang out, but honestly, I am a bit afraid to. I would rather them remember me as I was, than see me as I am now. Reading the alumni magazine just kind of reminded me of everything I have lost, on a lot of levels.

So after my epiphany last night, I have decided to try to be a kinder, chill-er me, like I was then. But honestly I don't know if it is possible for me to go back that way. And it depresses the hell out of me.

Here's a Youtube clip for a Bruce Springsteen song, Glory Days. It seems kind of appropriate here:

So that's about it. Sorry for the downer of a post.