The Greatest Post Ever

...was not written by me.

Actually, the whole move process has been hell (as per usual, I have been made to understand). So this is why I have been lame in updating lately. Again, I am not dead. Actually, the move story is kind of great/awful, so when life has finally returned to normal, I will entertain you all with its absurdity.

In the meantime, I found the following on Amazon.com, as my boyfriend and I were looking for a new bookshelf to replace the ones that got destroyed-ish in the aforementioned move (on the bright side, one of the bookshelves was free, and the other inexpensive). I won't say any more, because this product review really doesn't need an introduction. Mad props to a Mr. Brandon May, the author of said awesomeness.

The Worst Shelf In the World and a Life Changing Epiphany... August 10, 2009

By Brandon May

This is long but stay with me. I am not an unreasonable man. Most would consider me a semi pleasant person; I love puppies, enjoy Judd Apatow comedies, and find babies mildly amusing when they aren't pooping, vomiting, or screaming. However in spite of my generally jovial disposition I have a seething, nay crippling hatred for this shelf which may be the geographic center of all of the world's evil and the root of all moral decay. Now in my afore mentioned passionate hatred of this festering pile of evil do not want to overstate it's faults and thus do not want to lightly throw out the term worse than Hitler but it's certainly worse than Mussolini (the George Castanza of WW2). I know this may seem a reach to you who have not experienced "the shelf" but allow me to explain and maybe change your mind.

First the good part it was packed securely. Shelf wobbles in a cartoonish way similar to a Dr. Seuss cartoon which entertains small children and slow witted teenagers. Okay that's all the good parts.

Now the negatives which I could literally fill a library with, seriously after putting the abomination together I was ready to move to Montana and write a manifesto but I digress. Firstly I'm color blind and I can see that this is not black, it's red, and when they can't even get the color right you know you are in trouble. However if you place this in a dark room it darkens like all things placed in a dark room and given it's tinker toy like construction might I highly recommend a dark room and Styrofoam books. Secondly it's not made of wood it is made of MDF (medium density fiberboard aka crap) which is wood in the same way a drag queen is a woman, it is given the appearance of wood by a veneer which is fancy talk for a sticker with wood designs on it. Yes, high quality indeed. Next much like a middle aged man with a fake tan and a Corvette it's hardware is simply too short to be of any real use, the fun part of this is it gives the shelf an air of excitement similar to that of crossing a 100 plus year old rope bridge that leaves you wondering...is it going to hold the weight or collapse. The suspense would be entertaining if it hadn't A) cost me $[censored] and B) wasn't holding my $[censored] Blu-Ray player.

The assembly is nightmarish and I am a person who is reasonably handy. Now let me clarify the steps themselves aren't difficult but step 1 should really be the last step and you will have much fun with the all too short hardware as mentioned above. Of particular joy was the fun of trying to drill the two center pieces that hold the shelves in since; one, MDF (crap) is prone to splintering and two, veneer really highlights any flaws it makes trying to drive ¼ screws into "wood" that was barely an inch thick a real treat. I especially enjoyed the part where my left arm went numb and the vein in my eye burst leaving me blind and with alight slur to my speech for several days. Good times! Now as part of the assembly you are given some trim to hide the poor construction and all of the ugly parts, using my drag queen metaphor think of this as the scarf to hide the Adam's apple, this trim will drive you beyond the point of insanity. It continually pops off, due to the short hardware, and is very difficult to get on straight which again with the wonder of MDF and veneer your assembly ineptitude and poor construction is highlighted as sort of a scarlet letter that sort of screams "hey look at me I'm cheap furniture!" Once you have dealt with the trim and decided life truly has no meaning you will be confronted by the back covering which at least gets credit for a semblance of honesty. See the back has abandoned any pretense of being wood and is honest to god cardboard with a front side covered with the wood sticker veneer. I, who at this point had moved to an Apocalypse Now level of insanity, decided I would not stoop to putting cardboard on my furniture and maintain what little dignity I had remaining but the problem with that is the cardboard holds the adjustable shelves in place and is the only thing that keeps them from sliding out of the back so pick your poison, your dignity or shelves on the floor? Speaking of the adjustable shelves, they rest on tiny plug in things and are not secured at all this again adds to the rope bridge suspense factor I mentioned earlier.

Here is the synopsis combined with a diatribe about our low expectations. Many people say "you get what you pay for" but the fact is that the price of this shelf is nothing to sneeze at, this is a crisis of our being conditioned to expect poor quality. In 1983 my ex-girlfriend's mother bought a 1,400 square foot brick house on 3.75 acres of property for $43,000 I don't think I'm asking for much to get something made of actual wood (one of the most plentiful supplies on Earth) for the price I paid (they censor dollar amounts I'm not being purposely coy) a mere 25 years later. As consumers we have choice and while some people's reviews on here are shrugging 4 star "it is what it is" type reviews I'm asking that we start demanding quality not just in furniture but in all products, break this cycle of being conditioned to get hosed out of our money and save your money for something better than this. There are great craftsman and builders everywhere (in your own neighborhood even) who could build you something from real wood for a marginally higher price that could be an heirloom piece of furniture you could pass down to your kids when they go to college. This thing likely won't make it a year. As much as I loathe this horrible shelf it inspired me to demand better and I am now building a book case (told you I was handy) that is 72 wide by 38 high and is made of solid 2x12's and the real wood for this enormous shelf only cost me 1/3 the price of this shelf at Home Depot plus nail gun rental, 1/2 gallon of black paint, and a few dollars of sand paper. So for about 2/3 what I paid for this insult to American craftsmanship and a few hours of my weekend I am getting something that not only can I be proud of but something of great quality that is still going to be standing strong 25 years from now. Sorry to get sort of serious and manifesto-like here in this last paragraph but I guess I just miss not only getting but expecting quality for my hard earned money.

Sir, I cower in your genius. That was one of the greatest bits of dry humor that I have read online. And yet also quite profound.

PS: Perhaps unsurprisingly, Mr. May gave the poor shelf a 1/5 stars on Amazon's rating system.