Epiphany

Last night, instead of going to sleep at a reasonable time, I read my high school's alumni magazine. One thing you need to understand: I did not go to your typical American high school. I went to a small, private, all-girls school. The hijinks that went on there could fill a damn book (and I was hardly even in on a majority of what went down on any given day). It was an experience. And I wouldn't have traded any of it for anything. After a rough first year, it turned out to have been the best time of my life. Yes, including when I consider college.

Anyway, I have a certain fondness for those 4 years. A lot has changed at the school since I graduated 6 years ago (damn, already? I am getting old. Old , I tell you), and not all of it for the better, or so I hear. But those four years -- with a unique cast of characters -- will always hold a special place in my memory. I cannot help but laugh when I think about the past.

So, if you couldn't tell from the above, I have a certain nostalgia for the place and the time I was there. Reading the alumni magazine always kind of gets me -- a little pang or twinge of sadness, because obviously the past can never be re-had or recreated.

But last night, I realized it was something else that made me a little sad. To be blunt, I like the person I was a hell of a lot more than I like the current version of my self. Or to put it another way, I would be embarrassed to have people who knew me in high school, see me now. A few select individuals in particular.

For one, I have gained weight. More than I would have liked. College and law school have pretty much seen to that. Whenever I get busy and stressed, have a lot to do, my own physical and mental health are the first to be sacrificed. I literally haven't seen the inside of a gym in two years. I didn't do much gym-ing in high school, but I did play soccer, and generally stayed fairly active. So there's that. I don't look as good as I did then. I look older, and not in a good way. But I guess this is a common gripe for people, particularly around reunion times.

On a deeper level, I don't think I am as likable as a person. I am way more aggressive and frankly bitchy than I was in high school. I definitely had my moments of bitchiness in high school, but I wasn't as prone to rants and aggressive, bombastic statements and behavior as I am now. Plus, I think I am just in general more grouchy. I don't know if I can consider myself "nice." I was "nice" in high school. I don't know exactly why this change happened -- it happened midway through college. But, I realized last night that I would be embarrassed for the people who knew me then, to know the "now" me. I wish I could be more like 17 or 18-year-old Kristin.

I don't know whether to accept this new me or try to revert back to what I was like in high school. I don't know if I really could. But I do know that I have lost something in the 6 years since I graduated. I am back in California now; I could reach out to people to hang out, but honestly, I am a bit afraid to. I would rather them remember me as I was, than see me as I am now. Reading the alumni magazine just kind of reminded me of everything I have lost, on a lot of levels.

So after my epiphany last night, I have decided to try to be a kinder, chill-er me, like I was then. But honestly I don't know if it is possible for me to go back that way. And it depresses the hell out of me.

Here's a Youtube clip for a Bruce Springsteen song, Glory Days. It seems kind of appropriate here:

So that's about it. Sorry for the downer of a post.