The Truth Shall Set You Free

Since outlining for a class is mind-numbingly boring, I am taking a sanity break and... adding a post.

So, actual life updates today.

First, I talked to my Mom today, after a week of not talking after the "big revelation" last Sunday. I don't know if we were actually not talking, or if we just didn't have any reason to call each other. It was suitably ambiguous. But, since I am flying home in less than a week, and since I needed to know things like their schedule (They are going to this retreat thing my dad's law firm does every year; they are actually leaving the day I get in [which of course no one tells me until after I book the plane tickets], but I was not sure when they were getting back. I felt like this was pertinent information to know). So I called my mom.

It was actually a very normal, civil conversation, not unlike most every conversation I have with my mom over the phone. I guess since a week had passed, tensions or emotions had cooled. Or something. Now that everything regarding my living situation and life-freakout was out in the open, I was actually able to have an adult conversation. And I found out a few things that I was not expecting, mostly about the boyfriend living situation.

First, my mom did not object to, or really question, my desire to move out of the Streeterville area (area right around school), which surprised me because they had been really reticent about my having to commute to school. But once I (calmly and rationally) explained that A) the entire area around school is becoming a construction zone and the noise from that plus the constant sirens (I live next to Northwestern Memorial Hospital) is grating on my nerves, B) that even just north of the Gold Coast and Streeterville, in Lincoln Park, I could get a 2 bedroom apartment for what this studio is costing me/them, and C) that I would be looking for places with pretty much direct access to direct lines of public transportation... she was just sort of, fine with it. And, counter to what I had thought, she didn't really say anything against the fact that I would be looking for a place with Justin. Her only concern was that she thinks we should get a two bedroom, and not for the *ahem* reason I would have thought: she was concerned that without my own space/room, I might be distracted from work if boyfriend comes home from work and starts watching television or something, while I have to work. Which is a legitimate concern, although a one-bedroom if the walls are thick enough should do about the same. And she sounded appreciative of the fact that boyfriend would be around during the summer to look at places, if I am not. And of the fact that now that boyfriend is out in the open, he can start paying rent, and thus cost them less money.

I asked Mom how Dad reacted to the news. He had known about life-crisis, but not boyfriend. I was honestly afraid how he would react-- how both of them would react, which is why I kept it a secret for a while. Mom said he wasn't super thrilled, but again for not the reason I would have thought: he is apparently worried that having boyfriend around, if boyfriend is free while I have crap to do, will be a distraction from doing my crap. Which I suppose is fair, but also easier to reason with: boyfriend may be somewhat of a "distraction" from work (except he often makes me do my work in an efficient manner, rather than lollygag on Facebook, so that we can hang out), the fact that there is two of us and we split the chores, means I have to spend less time keeping the place up, which frees more time for work. I cannot tell you how much time I have saved because boyfriend cooks dinner.

I felt bad because when I admitted that the reason I had not told my parents about living situation, was because I was afraid of what my parents might do to me (disown me, disinherit me, banish me from ever seeing boyfriend again... in retrospect, yeah I was a bit melodramatic), Mom sounded kind of hurt. Like she said she wished I knew them better than that. Which is 100% fair. Honestly, even though we've our differences in the past-- sometimes, pretty epic differences-- they have never not supported me or stopped me from being part of their life. I guess a lot of my problem, is that I fear, and expect, the worst-case scenario. In pretty much everything. Always kind of have, even as a kid. And I spend a lot of time worrying about and ordering my life such that I avoid the worst-case scenario, even if objectively, it is not rational to expect that the worst case scenario would happen. And in this particular instance, it was really hard (at least for me) to tell how "bad" this would be, from my parent's standpoint.

I feel like that early-20s, right-out-of-college, still-dependant-on-my-parents thing, is kind of an awkward dance. Neither party really knows what the other is going to do, think or say about something. It's awkward for me, because I don't really know where my asserting independence is crossing a line-- if there even is a line to cross-- and somehow spurning my parents. And I think it is awkward for them, I think, because they I think are trying to figure out what their role or what they should do re: me, now that I am "an adult." On some things I obey, others I don't; on some things they insist, others they don't. But it is unpredictable-- for either party-- to know when that will happen, or if it should. Basically, the early, right-out-of-college period is a time where the parent-child relationship is in a period of flux and redefinition, and it is...stressful. From my end of it, it is hard because it is a moment where I am trying to establish myself as an adult in the world, but am not so established that I don't worry about what my parents will do or say. I know several other people who are in similar living situations as I was in: either actually or de facto living with an S. O., unknown to their parents. I wonder how many of them would be surprised at their parents' reaction or concerns, if they told them. I wonder how many of us young-adult children actually know our parents as people, rather than as the specter of Our Parents. Perhaps that is what makes the difference.

So, I learned two things today: First, the truth shall set you free. It has been an enormous relief to get this in the open, to not have the constant stress and guilt of lying to my parents. And, now that it is out in the open, I was able to have a rational, adult conversation with my mom about what the most economical and beneficial living arrangement/location would be. That included my boyfriend. Second, people-- including parents-- will continually surprise you. You think you know someone, how they think and will behave in a situation, and that things will be awful. And then it isn't. And they don't behave they way you thought. You realize that you don't know them as well as you thought and/or didn't give them enough benefit of the doubt. That you should trust people more, should have more faith in them. Particularly about those who care about you: 99% of the time, they are just worried about you and while they may disagree, won't do anything that would irrevocably screw you over.

Second, the job hunt isn't going so well. I haven't heard from any places I have applied, and for some places it is getting on two, two and a half weeks. I sent email "checkins"/ I-am-interested-please-give-me-an-interview about a week after I sent the first round. Still nothing. I have to send some more tomorrow, and apply to this one other job I have been looking at. Boyfriend is pestering me to make check-in phone calls. Ugh. I know he is right, but I have had this life-long phobia of "cold-calling" when there is not an already established reason to call, or pre-established relationship between the parties. And to me, cold calling after submitting a job app doesn't qualify. Even when I was applying to law schools, I never once called. I only sent a lot... a lot... of update/I am still interested letters and emails. It seems like I am pestering people, and I have this fear of pissing people off on the phone. Completely crazy, I know. But since when have phobias ever been rational? So it looks like I will be in NY this summer after all. Which I guess is probably a good thing. If I am trying to get as much information as possible about what I actually want to do with my life, and about my options, I suppose it is probably good that I get into the day-to-day practice of law, to see a) if I actually like it and thus have motivation to slog through motivation, because I see something worthwhile on the other side or b) if I hate it and, "oh hell no." And, as much as I wish I could take a year or two, if I am honest with myself, it looks like I will probably be back for year 2 at the end of the summer.

I don't know... now that I am almost at the end of finals and have made a mental switch such that I no longer hold myself to an all-A(- as lowest),honors, top 10%, etc., standard, or just put so much importance on grades, the school thing is looking less bad. But I burned out harder than I ever have before...like to the point that I wasn't doing things I was supposed to be doing, and didn't give a shit. And I have kind of made that mental switch: I don't want to be perfect, or even "successful;" I just want to be happy, whatever that ends up meaning for me. And even if I do end up deciding that the law will do that for me, I am afraid I will be missing out if I don't take time off. I'm afraid I would be missing out on a time in my life where I could be a little more chill, a little less stressed, and have more free time to figure myself out, and to do things I enjoy, unencumbered by worries over what I *should* be doing instead. I'm afraid I won't get the time to figure out what I need and want, by just going through school. Because so much of school is about pushing through to the next finish line, not looking around at where you are going. I am worried that, even if I decide that the law is it for me, going through law school right into practice (which is stressful, always a deadline, many hours), I will never not have a period in my life where I was not a stressed out, type-A neurotic person trying to get everything done...at least until retirement, whatever decade that happens to be. And honestly, I think I will come to resent it down the line. In a way, I already do.

I think a lot my parents' generation, influenced by their parents', looked at the suburban home, the white collar job and high-five or six figure salary, the corporate and upper middle class life, and said "this is it." I think more people in my generation-- influenced, I think, by the promises (work hard, go to college, do well, and you will get a good job and be successful; you can do and be what you want) rendered largely false by the Great Recession-- are looking at all that and saying, "Is this it?" Happiness doesn't really depend on your salary, or job title, or what car your drive. Having a job that allows me to stay off food stamps, puts a safe roof over my head, and keeps clothes on my body, is all that is really required. Everything else is perks. Happiness comes-- and will only come-- when I find something that makes me want to get out of bed in the morning.

That's all for tonight.

One closing thought, though. Completely unrelated, but I saw a quote today that struck me as incredibly true. And is something I hope can ultimately be said about me.

"You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, some time in your life."

~ Winston Churchill